It was 1989 and the first time that I almost succeeded in killing a man. Yes, that’s right, you heard me it was an attempted murder. You didn’t know him like I do, or did. In fact you don’t know him at all, so keep your nose out! Jeez, I’m kidding. I’ll tell you. He was so annoying, like a little tick that has embedded itself into your skin and just sits there draining all your blood and energy as the hours pass by. I sit and stare at the white brick walls before me and wring my hands as I acknowledge my bright orange, Guantanamo bay style boiler suit. I look like a prick. I reach for the non-existent cigarettes in my pocket, only to be disappointed to discover that they are not there. I am 28 years old and my cigarettes got confiscated, how crap. I press my head against my cell bars and they’re cold against my ears.
“Hey dude!” I hiss to the guy across the way; “Have you got a cigarette I can buy?”
But the man only shakes his head. I don’t even know his name; but he’s a tight little shit if ever there was one.

http://wp.me/p1UTgw-1w4

http://wp.me/p1UTgw-1vW

©Sophie Bowns 2011-2014

Advertisements

23 thoughts on “A fiction extract. (Experimental)

  1. Well, he is suffering for attempting!. Liked it. He is still an untamed newbie. I do feel sorry for what is about to learn, a hell lot! that would be a fully packed one for you.

  2. Interesting scenario. You paint a clear picture of a moment in time. But there’s no end.
    I always find it’s best to stick to the country you know though–so maybe an English prison and language.
    In this section: I reach for [leave out – the non-existent] cigarettes in my pocket, only to
    [ be disappointed to discover that]
    //add – remember//
    they are not there.
    [ I am 28 years old and my cigarettes got confiscated, how crap].
    //In the last sentence, the two halves don’t relate.//
    See if you can come up with a punch line. Does he mean to get ahead? Or fit in and then make everyone pay for their treatment?

  3. I love such endings… leaving it open to readers’ imagination. Excellent opening. Grabs readers attention immediately. Then takes off in a different direction all together. Fast paced narrative. Well written.

    1. Hello Candess, and welcome!
      (I have just followed your blog)
      Gosh, seeing as though you worked in a prison, I hope that this seemed accurate enough!
      -Thank you for reading and commenting on my work!
      🙂

  4. Great storytelling in such a few words. Love the feelings you evoked and how well I could see him sitting there in his cell. Well done!

  5. My advice (given freely, meaning it might be worth nothing) – first, listen to Francene. It’s invaluable to get the advice of a published author. And second, take this experiment to NaNoWriMo this November. Don’t worry about people reading, which is not a requirement. Just spit out those 50,000 words. Don’t worry about what your blog readers think. Just pour those words into your computer or whatever you use to write. You’ll be surprised what pours out. Take it to a writer’s group. THEN edit and get your second draft, and maybe third, done, and then surprise us. I think we will all be pleasantly surprised because you are willing to try new things, and put yourself out there – and you will be rewarded one day! People have had NaNoWriMo manuscripts published. I even read a couple of those books before I ever heard of NaNoWriMo. Good luck!

    1. Hmmmm, I could certainly try!
      I’ve written 7,500 words on this piece to date and I quite like it.
      I really need to look into NaNoWriMo. Do you have to dedicate yourself to each day though?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s