Thick billows of smoke from spluttering chimneys filled the darkened January air. Eddie walked home in blissful ignorance of the misfortune that was about to befall him, his head filled with thoughts of Beth someone who had recently filled a space in his once lonely heart. Somebody with sinister intentions lurked like a sly fox, hiding amongst the shadows. It was a perfectly planned attack,  the evening was rapidly drawing in, and the once bustling streets were deserted. If it was carried out with enough precision no-one would suspect a thing….until tomorrow.

Eddie unknowingly passed his potential attackers. He was a fast walker with a tall and elegant frame. The night  was nippy, his hands were tucked into the deep pockets of his warm, yet rather expensive jacket making him even more vulnerable. This was their chance!!

The attackers sprung out , a brutally sharp blow struck the side of Eddie’s face with an almighty force, causing his vision to rapidly blur. A flow of scarlet blood began to pulsate from the gash and trickled down his neck staining his once pristine white shirt. Eddie seemed to sway as if drunken and rough hands grabbed his arms in a grip as strong as steel iron. Semi-conscious Eddie was gagged and forced into the back of a small van; too dazed to struggle. The boot was airless and his body jolted violently as the vehicle sped carelessly along the poorly lit city streets. He drifted in and out of consciousness for the duration of the dreary journey completely disoriented.

At last there was a clanking noise as the boot was jerked open, Eddie was dragged out. His legs turned to jelly as they approached a disused building. He could not see the faces of his captors as they were heavily clad with woollen balaclavas. Brutal hands grasped his shoulders, forcing him forwards and causing him to trip and fall down a small flight of slate stairs. He struck his head sharply on the uneven stone wall, falling into frightening darkness.

*******

On opening his eyes Eddie was aware of the bitter cold, his coat was gone and his bruised body ached badly. The icy stone floor seemed to numb the throbbing pain slightly. He felt nauseous from the lingering effects of the head injury; as he was badly concussed.

Why would Harrison do this and go to these extremes? Eddie loved Beth more than words could ever express. They had only been together for 6 months but they were so in tune with each other’s emotions. Beth was beautiful, with stunning emerald eyes and porcelain skin, and had a heart of gold. A girlfriend any man should have been proud of. Harrison her ex-boyfriend on the other hand was a major issue. He was possessive and unpredictably aggressive, often resorting to using his fists, not to mention his unruly and sinister crime involved family. When Harrison stated that Beth would regret leaving him for Eddie, no-one could have predicted that this would happen. Hours of darkness seemed to pass, as the new day dawned it brought twisted promises of further misfortune…..

PART TWO COMING SOON !!

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28 thoughts on ““ABDUCTED : PART 1” – Short story

  1. Hi, I thought I’d share some of my thoughts on your writing. If it doesn’t make any sense to you then please just ignore it. I hope you don’t take it the wrong way because you look like you have potential and that’s the only reason I bothered with this comment in the first place. Anyway, here is how you wrote the first paragraph,

    “Thick billows of smoke from spluttering chimneys filled the darkened January air. Eddie walked home in blissful ignorance of the misfortune that was about to befall him, his head filled with thoughts of Beth someone who had recently filled a space in his once lonely heart. Somebody with sinister intentions lurked like a sly fox, hiding amongst the shadows. It was a perfectly planned attack, the evening was rapidly drawing in, and the once bustling streets were deserted. If it was carried out with enough precision no-one would suspect a thing….until tomorrow.”

    And this is how I would write it,

    Thick billows of smoke from spluttering chimneys filled the darkened January air. Eddie walked home, his head filled with thoughts of Beth, someone who had recently filled a space in his once lonely heart. He was blissfully ignorant of the misfortune about to befall him. Ignorant of the fact that somebody was hiding in the shadows, lurking like a sly fox, waiting for the night to draw in and the bustling streets to become deserted. Somebody with a perfect plan that, if carried out with enough precision, would raise no suspicions…until tomorrow.

    So what did I do? The second sentence is about Eddie and the Threat. I split it into two sentences, one about Eddie and one about the Threat. This is just a matter of keeping related parts together, either by rearranging sentences or breaking them up.

    Then I repeated “ignorant” in order to connect the sentences and make text flow better. I did the same with the word “somebody” in the next sentence. That may come off as suggestive or too repetitive; I think it works here. The point is that just starting the third sentence with “Somebody with sinister intentions…” is too abrupt.

    And “sinister intentions” is breaking the “show, don’t tell” rule. You want to engage the readers so if you simply write, “somebody was hiding in the shadows, lurking like a sly fox…” they will think the sinister intentions part for themselves – because who would do that? That way you draw them in. Just present the carefully chosen facts that will make them draw the conclusions you want them to draw.

    That’s just some simple tricks I found in books like the manual Elements of Style or On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft by Stephen King.

    1. That was really quite an… honorable?… thing to do, in my opinion, to give that kind of helpful criticism to help improve someone’s piece of writing, especially in such detail. Maybe you should drop by my blog and point out any errors I may have made with my short stories haha.

      1. She asked for constructive criticism and I gave that. Maybe I should have just said “great stuff” like everybody else, but that’s not honorable, that’s just social convention.

      1. Sophie- I want to thank you for your nice comment on my blog! I’m new to this, also. I’ve written two books, both non-fiction but I do agree with Staffan. Also, you tend to talk as a narrator too much. Why not let his perceptions tell more of what is going on? This gets you inside of his head and expands his character more completely. He could be walking down that street, thinking in a stream of consciousness about his last date with his girl, when suddenly he is abducted. You begin to identify with the character and to feel as if it is happening to you! Then you could switch back to tell it from the abductors stand point.

      2. Hello, this is the first fiction series that I ever wrote. I’d actually quite like to redraft it one day, I have to admit that looking back, I don’t like what I’ve written. My style has improved. Have a read of my latest piece “THEODORE” and you’ll see what I mean 🙂

  2. Are you thinking of turning this story into a novella? With 17 parts your characters may be developed enough to make the transition from short story. Your opening definitely grabbed my attention, well done.

    1. Hello!
      I’m not sure really. I think it’s a piece of work which i’d love to come back to, extend and create more depth to the characters. I’m just not sure when!

  3. Well, my agenda for this evening is fixed. I’m reading this story. And the others. *hops with glee* 🙂 I loved it so far !! 🙂
    Thanks for visiting my blog 🙂

  4. thanks so much for visiting my blog! what an amazing concept you have! super cool and let me tell you, as a busy mom of three who cant even get through a takeout menu, this is a perfect way to get in some good summer reading I’ve been dreaming about! best wishes to you and look forward to reading more of your fabulous stories!

    1. No problem at all. I’m so glad that you’ve enjoyed reading my work. ‘Abducted’ is one of my earliest pieces of fiction. (Hopefully) I have improved since then!

    1. Hello, I enjoyed writing ‘Abducted’ but it’s not a piece of work that I’d ever consider putting into print. However, I would LOVE to get my most recent piece of work (PLANCHETTE) published as an E-book!

  5. I’m impressed with this Sophie.
    Now grant it: I am not a best selling Author, but I do quite a bit of TV work and authoring self help books has gone along with that job title.
    Writing is like anything to do with the arts; there is an ‘it factor.’ The ‘it factor’ is the ability to draw an audience in; you have that. You have the capability to draw a reader in; the ability to engage them. When it comes to ‘reviews,’ eat the meat and spit out the bones. You have to gain thick skin in the public eye. An artist’s work is like their child and artists can get defensive very quickly. (Been there, done it and still have to deal with it.) LOL..
    There were a couple of things that I will go back and study in that one comment for my own use. You have the ‘it factor,’ now run with it. When it comes to reviews, eat the meat and spit out the bones;)
    There is a post on my blog with that title and also one with the title, ‘How to receive an Amazon review.’
    I will be finishing your story, you have me intrigued and that says a lot, because I have the tendency to bounce around between two and three books at a time.
    Don’t get so caught up in rules that it kills your creativity, but yet be thick skinned enough to learn from reviews.
    It is a very delicate balance for any artist;) I do a lot of articles on my blog about walking that tight rope, because it has been a very real issue for me with TV and the the public. I have a heart to help people that are in the public eye and that includes Authors.
    I believe in you and I will definitely be finishing this up.
    I do believe that some of the issues that I write about would help you, because I have been through this quite a bit in my line of work.
    Lets just say this, you gained a fan in me today.
    Write on Sister, write on.

    1. WOW! What an amazing comment, thank you so much! Abducted was the 1st fiction series I wrote. I am currently working on a piece called “Theodore” which I think is far superior to this.
      I always try my best to make amendments to my work and take advice from my readers as I strive to improve 🙂

  6. Thanks for dropping by my blog.

    Ever since discovering Hugh Howey’s ‘Wool’ and ‘Sand’ series I’ve really gotten interested in short fiction by independent writers. It’s a style of writing that develops characters and immerses the reader quickly. I’ve also noticed Hugh’s writing gets better with every series he writes. Practice makes perfect.

    I also think that Staffan had some good, constructive advice. Yet, I imagine every author would like to go back and touch up their work, but sooner or later they have to set their art free.

    I write a newspaper food column, but once it’s published there’s no luxury of going back. You just have to live with it.

    Keep it up Sophie, I’ll read more of your work.

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